Saturday, 24 February 2018

Improved Healthcare for our nerds based on Swiss/German Blockchain generated data

Health care is a cornerstone of our recruitment strategy. Every illegal nerd that disembarks the boat knows that we provide health care that simply was not available in the homelands from which these nerds emanate. Leveraging these health benefits as well as one hot meal a day, we manage to be the employer of choice for some nerds.

So what is it that is so attractive in health plan? Well, an old Canadian commercial used that say that most shoppers shop at Dominion 'mainly because of the meat'. So here is the meat of our health plan.

Each nerd gets one  free MRI a year, on any organ he (or she for that matter), chooses. Even if nothing hurts, an MRI is available. Travel to and from the rustic clinic (in Halifax) is  by Greyhound at a small cost. Details on our website.

A free pack of Cipralex is provided for all nerds in pre sales. Nerds in Customer Service get an Abilify boost for their Cipralex and a framed copy of the Sykes-Picot agreement.

Headaches, backaches and toothaches are all dealt with by our in house medic (фельдшер)Dr Alexei Feldsher, who served in the Red Army in the 1930s.

If surgery is needed, all nerds get 30 US dollars towards a Ryanair ticket to Sweden, where the authorities have a good reputation for compassion.

I do know that many HR managers and leading professionals may ask, 'where does that HR lady procure her innovative abilities?'  Well, there are those us who think and those of us who do. I'm both, thanks in no small part to my Swiss and German blockchain.

Monday, 12 February 2018

Our company doctor provides fascinating data and predictive analytics

In order to provide cost effective yet competitive medical care for our staff, we have an on-site doctor , conveniently located near our spare parts warehouse in the basement. 

The medical services are rendered by Dr Alexei Feldsher, who studied a triple whammy (medicine, blockchain and data mining) in the Ukraine.

Dr Feldsher reports into the first lady of HR; Feldsher freely shares all medical info with me, in line with our key values of the boundary-less organization.

After I needlessly bragged that HR has "migrated and  morphed into data and predictive analytics, augmented by a German blockchain", I was cut off in the pass and asked to present HR data analytics in the upcoming board meeting.

I asked Dr Feldsher to cough up data for that meeting, whilst insuring that he covers his mouth whilst coughing.

I must admit that I was not totally shocked by the data, but I was slightly shocked. I did know that our CEO has inflamed hemorrhoids (since he has a bidet installed in his executive toilet) and keeps Preparation H on his desk. I also knew that Ms Axe is on the pill. Any idiot would know that!

But I did not know that 87% of our nerds complain that our clients have bad breath, body odour and unfair expectations from our products. Nor did I know that our 120% of our sales force take the anti depressant Lexapro.

Dr Feldsher sent me all this data on a lovely power-point, with all sorts of pyrotechnics. Dr Feldsher's last two slides claim that one of clients will assassinate our CEO Stan and that all of  our investors will suffer heart attacks after the Q1 2018 revenue reports are published. I asked the good doctor to remove those slides before he loses his job.

Friday, 26 January 2018

Herr Krebbs rejects income derived from a shady sale, and HR called to the rescue

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, was happy as a lark when he received a Whatsapp informing him that a slimy agent had just made a sale of our new embryonic product to a village in the Cook Islands.

The Comrade sent a jocund email to all which read- "Cook Islands today, South Sudan tomorrow and England or Germany by this weekend.  Kibinimat, Stalingrad is back in our hands again".

Back in our hands again

Immediately, an all hands meeting was convened in the Marshall Zhukov Auditorium ; all smartphones were confiscated at the entrance by Ms Cynthia Axe, to ensure full attention. I hid my smartphone and smuggled it in so that I can keep update my status of my dating profile.

Comrade Carl was standing on the stage waving at the mob of nerds like Kim Jong Un (one). Once everyone was in their seat, Herr Frebbs our German CFO asked for permission to speak. "Dear Comrade Carl, Ich nicht is a party pooper. But- ver is da contract? Ver is zeh terrrms ohf payment? Zis is  scam maybe, ja? I declare by ze powers invested in me zat zis deal is off. Ja. Danke".

CEO Stan who was sitting in the first row texted me, "Gloria, do we have mental health insurance for Comrade Carl? Has Mister Herr Krebbs had cultural training? Where the fuck does Mister Herr Krebbs think he is working? Germany? Norway? The Swiss Republic? We NEED that revenue, Gloria.  Fix this issue pronto with that over-starched Mister Herr Krebbs, Gloria, and please adjust Comrade Carl's medication. Now. Stan."

Thank heavens I know all about blockchains. They fix everything.

Marshall Zukov Auditorium

Wednesday, 17 January 2018

On pleasing clients from shit hole countries

Digestive issues

Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, has been in Denmark attending a Happiness Seminar Using a Blockchain".The Comrade told me upon his return that "there is no fucking way of being happy when the sun goes down at 230 pm". 

However the Comrade did return from his seminar with a "grand idea for which I need support from the first lady of HR". To that end, Comrade Carl invited me for breakfast as 2 PM, claiming that he is jet lagged.

Comrade Carl ordered a 18 slice American-sized, super huge pizza and a bottle of scotch for lunch. After he finished eating, burped then apologized, he said, "Gloria, our clients' intelligence is severely lacking. Our finicky clients have a penchant for functionality whilst our products are well known for their technological sophistication. This creates some dissonance . My plan to is augment our  clients' intelligence with AI. The way that I see it, I own the AI strategy and you, Gloria, own the implementation. After all, you are a lady of action."

I forgot to tell you readers that I don't eat breakfast at 2 PM. So I ordered a bottle of mineral water and a bran muffin, for my digestion. I often have digestive problems after I speak to Comrade Carl.

I told Comrade Carl that augmenting our clients' intelligence with AI is no big deal. However, I told the comrade that I am capable of doing so only in English, French and Viennese German.

Comrade Carl jumped to his feet and bellowed, "Gloria, our clients come from shit-hole countries, where no one really speaks any language all that well, let alone English."

I promised Carl that I would commission an offshore vendor to "address this issue in a timely fashion using a blockchain."

Carl hugged me and whispered in my ears, "Kibinimat Gloria, you have the nicest legs this side of  DimitrovgradRussia".

Shit-hole clients

Monday, 1 January 2018

My 2018 New Years Resolutions

Never one to be influenced by public opinion and populist social media, I am making resolutions for 2018. Oui! And I will follow up on these resolutions, using new software which I have just downloaded on my 3 smartphones, in line with my core values of downloading new software all the time.

I have limited myself to 3 resolutions, in line my core values of being brief. 

1) I will not overuse the term blockchain. True, I did pile the cold cuts high, as it were, about bigdata and peopleanalytics, but I won't do so for blockchain, Blockchain is like sex; if you overdose, it becomes routine. Heavens, who needs a routine blockchain!

2) Following the huge numbers of Germans who read mine blog, I plan to perfect my Viennese accent. Most of the German speaking crowd think that I'm Bavarian. This will change. 

3) I will cease and desist from teasing the Danes about how happy they are. Instead, I will promote the Danish way of achieving happiness, ie, Cipralex. My 150 year old Mum started taking Cipralex and she feels happier than a pig in shit. And she meets new people every day.

OK, I will add one more.

4) HR is not dead. No, it's alive and kicking. This having been said (I love that expression), I will take an on-line course or a PhD in Investment Banking, so that I can eventually return my chips and retire in a nice cozy place like Sudbury in Ontario, Glasgow which is in England or Darwin which is in Australia. 

Vienna here I come

Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Preemptive coping strategies for sexual harassment

That's not what I meant

CEO Stan called me into his office. 'Gloria, if there is any sexual harassment in our company, you'll be out on your pretty ass'. Then Stan caught himself and added, 'That's not what I meant'.

I told Stan that all preemptive measures have been taken, from an HR perspective. 'Gloria, what the hell does  'from an HR perspective mean?' I told Stan not to ask too many questions.

I am very proud of myself. Muy muy proud. If you ask me, there will never be any sexual harassment in our firm, due to the steps I have taken. By the way, there may be one exception, 31 year old Ms Cynthia Axe claims to have been tapped on the bum 33 years ago. Ms Axe has just started taking Cipralex, so I will wait for a week or so to see that she smartens up, from an HR perspective.

I am sure all my readers want to know what prophylactic steps have been taken to prevent sexual harassment. Well I shan't share all my tricks with you, yet here are just a few.

1) Work work work work work and no play. That ensures that even if people want to get the ball rolling, as it were, they can't.
2) Hire asexual nerds. This is very easy, since more nerds are more asexual than sexual, from an HR perspective.
3) Deploy a sex chat-bot to filter off any excess libido. Power the sex chat-box with a blockchain, made in Germany.

As far as looking at my legs are concerned, and at Ms Axe's front end, I have an almost zero tolerance level. 'Almost' because Dad used to say that boys will be boys.

My stems on the left

Sunday, 5 November 2017

How to deal with male employees staring at breasts

Enough is enough

The daughter of preacher Oliver Axe is Ms Cynthia Axe, who happens to be my chief down-sizer. Her formal title is the Head of Early-Bird Retirement Program. 
The aforementioned high strung, Causacian Ms Axe stormed into my office with tears in her eyes. "The AI and big-data  nerds in Comrade Carl's engineering team are looking at my breasts every time I walk by in the halls; this needs to end Gloria. If you don't put an end to it, I will litigate against the company, and you will be out on your ass. I don't have to tolerate this shit any more. This is not Hollywood, and I ain't no starlet who needs to fuck her way to the top." 
Ms Axe tends to be emotional at times.

This subject has been in the news recently. By this subject, I am not referring to Ms Axe's breasts, but rather to the issue of sexual harassment. In the British parliament, the markets of Cairo, the buses of India, Channel 10 and the cubicles of our company, this issue poses a great challenge for the average HR lady.

I am NOT however the average HR lady. I am the first lady of HR. And as such, I marched into Comrade Carl's office and demanded that corrective action be taken pronto,  immediately.
The Comrade agreed, in line with our core value of avoiding litigation at all costs. 
Comrade Carl pick up his megaphone and summoned all nerds into the 'Agile Blockchain Conference Room'.

When all the nerds were all assembled, Comrade Carl invited me to the stage. He said, "Boys, kibinimat, turn off your mobiles and blockchains and listen to me. Our first lady of HR, Miss Gloria, told me that instead of looking at your computer screens, you blokes have been looking at Cynthia Axe's knockers. This is shameful, so I have asked Gloria to address this forum to knock some sense into your stupid God damn heads. But before she talks, I warn you guys, that the next guy I see looking at Axe's front end will be fired."

As Comrade Carl handed me the mike, he whispered in my ear, "now you owe me a favor, Gloria. By the way, Gloria, you have a great set of legs".

Tabernak, what a job.

Against all forms of harassment
עילה לפיטורין

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Our Halloween Party

Keeping abreast of Ms Axe

Tonight we all celebrated Halloween, in line with our core values of celebrating global American holidays. If you ask me, for a few minutes in time, we all became one big happy family. It was as if we all lived in Denmark.

Ms Axe dressed up as a bar-tender, which was not difficult because that's the way she dresses most days. However, she was more daring than usual. Our CEO Stan was noted keeping abreast of Ms Axe, in line with our core values of keeping abreast.

The head of our Diversity Department, Hugh White, dressed up a senior VP of HR. He spoke with a Canadian accent (noticeable in the words out, house and about) and claimed that his father's name was Pierre Elliot. Hugh's grave error of dressing in such an uppity fashion is ok on Halloween. Tomorrow (manana) will be a grim day for white, straight Hugh.

Chief nerd Comrade Carl Marks dressed up as General Fredrich Von Paulus. For heaven sake, why would anyone do that? I learnt that Von Paulus had asked for a visa to enter Stalingrad but was denied entry way back in the Korean War. Or something like that. History was not my forte; HR is my forte. Forte is a French word.

One of our half baked customer service bots dressed up as a centre of knowledge, which was so agile and sustainable.

CEO Stan dressed up as a successful executive whose chief concern is people. I thought that this was grand on his part. From an HR perspective.

I dressed up as a Spanish HR manager. I had supper at 11 pm and slept all afternoon before the party. I granted my team autonomy and then renounced it

Stan's private chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein who cooks cost-effective lasagna and who has mixed ethnicity, dressed up as a Trump supporter with a red hat and fat pork belly. Comrade Carl, who had had too much to drink, lost it for a moment and knocked out two of K-Ray's front teeth. That was non wow.

Lost it
After the party, CEO Stan asked me if I had  'perhaps taken a picture of a certain Ms Cynthia Axe''.  I obliged. Stan called me 'a great business partner'

Monday, 23 October 2017

Blockchain driven HR- a case study from the 1st lady of HR

ICO was wow

Not everyone understands blockchain applications in HR, but on the other hand not everyone understands French or Latin either.
I certainly have internalized the block-chain principles; this month I inaugurated (and rolled out) our pilot blockchain program, which yielded a 600% ROI  within  two hours. ROI is short for return on investment. Read on for more details. Merci!

Our dollar based compensation was dissolved, as it were. I often say "as it were" to soften the blow. The dollar was replaced by our wow blockchain  driven performance evaluation, based on a virtual currency which HR has launched.

Here is how it works. Each manager gets access to a virtual currency with which he can award  any underling who does what he or she is told to do. Then, the underling can use this currency to purchase goods at our company canteen, which will be stocked with Scandinavian goods in due time.

Our Initial Coin Offering (ICO) was made available and  demand was outstanding. The currency features my picture with the caption "In Gloria speramus". That's Latin.

Finally, I wanted to share how we go about blockchain-enabled severance. Every time an underling gets 3 negative credits or cusses HR, he (or she) is automatically ejected from our building, with a virtual credit card with the amount that our firm virtually owes the employee. This is valid for use at our company canteen as well. For one month, except on weekends and Canada Day.

I am expecting to win an award for this, but I am willing to wait patiently for a week or so until I come into the limelight once again, due to the brilliance of this application.

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

Mental health day - my innovative approach to the role of the HR Lady

You don't need to lecture me about mental health issues. When my Dad Pierre Elliot Ramsbottom used to raise his voice at my Mom, Constance, I used to get a splitting headache. The only thing that calmed me down in these horrible moments was the thought that one day, I would become the first lady of HR.
In retrospect, which means looking backwards, I have always felt sane, but I am mindful of mental health issues.

Mindful is a great word.

Our firm ain't so firm, mentally

Today on mental health day, and in line with our core values of transparency, I want to discuss some of the mental health issues in our not so firm firm. 

1) If you ask our CEO Stan, 120% of our Sales force suffers from some sort depression. Our sales force avoids all contact with customers whilst the Head of Sales has been hiding in the toilet (stall 1 from the left) for 3 years.

2) Comrade Carl Marks, our chief nerd, speaks with a Russian accent, although he is American. He believes that our product is a pearl and that if our customers don't like it, "they need to get their heads examined, kibinimat". Dear Carl has given Cipralex to all developers to "keep the development effort focused". Comrade Carl smokes joints in the parking lot and encourages his nerds to join him "in order to detox from debugging products which for all intents and purposes are fully functional."

3) Our CEO Stan has a narcissistic personality, if you ask me. I hope I spelt that right. He believes that the company is unworthy of his leadership and thinks we should all kiss his ass. However, since he suffers from hemorrhoids and uses Preparation H, there aren't too many volunteers.
No volunteers

4) 95% of our staff have dysthymia, especially if they speak English, have been working for us for 3 years and need to support a family.

5) The entire HR staff is constantly elated; some would say unnecessarily so. On one hand, anyone in HR should be happy that they have a job. On the other hand, what is there to be so happy about, if I do a reality check. I do reality checks on Mental Health Day, which shows I am built like a brick shit house, mentally.

I sent a Whatsapp to all staff encouraging them to use our mental health chat box, which diagnoses and treats mental illness online, without the need for yak yak therapy, whilst lying on some couch.